the most difficult question

"What am I to you?"

That one simple question, for me, is the most difficult question someone has ever asked me. I didn't know how everything was so into its place, but, that night, that time, that situation, and that particular person totally hit the bull's eye.

It took my breath away for some times as I looked back to what we had together. A year of togetherness, countless laugh, endless understanding, continuous spark, and mismatch timing. As my first sentence explains the hardest question, the timing is the most devilish thing ever. It was quite a dilemma having someone so very close to you, yet both of us never been able to risk ourselves and take the fall.

It is painfully difficult to deny that I chose to return to you over and over again. With no exact reasons, I could not seem to be willing to move on yet I never had the courage to stay and deal with all this complicated feelings.

No matter how visible the love is to everyone else, it is invisible for both of us, or maybe it is just us who chose to ignore it. We laughed it out all the time hoping that one day we would not find it funny anymore, and then maybe we will start to talk it out in a serious manner.

After being forced to fight against this weird fate between us, at that moment, the universe gave us a shot. You seemed to be tired to be just friends knowing how much we wanted each other, to give up on the feeling, despite me being afraid to take the risk, after a lot of conversations, convincing, and compromises. It has to be 0 or 1, and not something in between.

I was torn apart inside. I was never sure whether I had to be honest or to lie, to grow together or to grow apart, to hold on or to let go, to leave him be unhappy with me or to let him to be happy without me.

That night, I decided to let him go and be happy without me, to grow apart, because I can't bear the weight of lying to him and smeared the warmest,  most honest, and most comfortable relation that we shared.

"For me, you are a keeper :) The one who keeps me safe and always happy. You make me stay on my truest self. A way too good friend."